Control Your Behavior

Control Your Behavior 

A short time ago I was giving a young lady some advice on how to deal with her love interest. She was actually dating a young man who she tried to control with every little thing he did. I made it a point to inform her if she continued she would lose him. Of course she had valid excuses and reasons for her behavior. She felt it was her right to behave the way she wanted, especially considering the things she wanted from her boyfriend. I thought to myself, it is pretty immature to believe you have grounds to behave this way any time he doesn't do what you want; are you really an adult or just a big two year old? I didn't necessarily want to hurt her feelings with being honest, but I thought perhaps if I explained how silly and immature she appeared, maybe it would make a difference; hopefully in time before she was faced with a breakup.

I don't know if it was some sort of kindred spirit between the boyfriend and me; however, shortly after, I found out he broke up with her. Of course I was a bit stunned, then again, I thought; what grown person, male or female would want to put up with someone like this? At that point I actually wanted to find him and give him a pat on the back. Sometimes we have to do things we're not comfortable with; nevertheless, you can't leave yourself in an uncomfortable situation either.

Have you ever been in a situation where you're trying to be helpful and understanding and the individual continues to blame everything and everyone else? I was up to my ears in her BS and I had to let her know. First, you are too damn old to be having any tantrums; get a grip. Just because things don't pan out as you would like, doesn't require you to throw a tantrum. Second, how can you begin to say you love someone when you can't treat people with respect or even as an adult? Third, who the hell died and made you Madam Superior? And last, by the sounds of things and the situation you're currently in; control doesn't seem to be working for you. She hesitated for a moment, appearing to be stunned at what I spoke. Let's just tell the truth and find a solution that will help, allowing you to become a better person for a better relationship with yourself and others. People are going to continue to tear down doors in order to get away from you if you don't change.

Apparently this young lady had a real control issue and one thing I know about control issues; behavior indicative of an insecure person. See, although her boyfriend did show her love, anything else outside of what it was she wanted was wrong of him and it caused problems. People who have controlling behaviors have a tendency to manipulate situations in their favor and when their unable to get things their way they show themselves as the victim. For example- she was furious over their breakup, so of course she handled it as if she was the victim. He broke up with her because he was cheating, only because he didn't spend every second of the day with her. I had never met her boyfriend and it even seemed as though she knew he was a good one, but she couldn't admit she was wrong.

Let's talk about controlling behavior- people who have these behaviors are hardly aware of how they act and it is difficult to explain it to them. They will find ways; subtle ideas to manipulate who it is they feel they need to; in some cases, everyone they come in contact with. Controlling people are extremely selfish, utterly immature, constantly and consistently right. They're co-dependent (a form of addiction but to another person), narcissistic (fascination with self), and displays sociopathic tendencies (disregards/violate others). Each one is slightly different and the easiest way to deal with such people is getting as far away from them as possible. The chance of them or yourself living a fulfilling life is unthinkable perhaps even impossible.

People like this have a long road ahead of them, not realizing they don't have what it is they really want because they're constantly trying to be in control of all situations. In my attempt to help the young lady even further, I decided to tell her about a lady I worked with. This lady was an extreme control freak; at home, at work, in the grocery store, where ever she was and could open her mouth; she did her best to take control and keep it. Some of her behaviors were similar to those I briefly identified earlier. I actually witnessed her behavior; she had it bad. I remember overhearing a conversation with hers and a bill collector. She blamed the bill not being paid because her husband was suppose to pay it; she was furious when she hung up the phone, resulting in her explanation only to appear as if she was the "victim" as oppose to just paying the bill she herself accumulated when her bathroom tiles had been replaced. I couldn't believe my ears, but she honestly believed she was right and not paying a bill wasn't her fault.

Even with telling this story, it wasn't enough to show the negative side of this behavior. And the last thing I want is for the young lady to live life as drab as this other woman. The other ladies life is in shambles. I can't begin to tell you what she is up against. But I will say controlling behaviors aren't by choice. People like this need help changing their thinking in order to change their actions.

One theory has been said, we have four psychological functions that are important when referring to human personality. In the case of controlling behavior it is said, one, perhaps more of these functions are being blocked. Basically, it could be a number of things that could trigger such behaviors; therefore, it cannot be instantly corrected. However, if it's worth living a fulfilling life, the faster you receive help the better off you will be. I'm a strong believer in positive psychology and I also believe this would be a step in the right direction in order to receive help.